


Consequences

by thorkified



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: And A Surprising Outcome, Drunk One Night Stands, Illusions, Lots of tears, M/M, Mpreg, Regrets, Suicidal Thoughts, Unplanned Pregnancy, breakdowns, self doubts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 10:52:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14567448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thorkified/pseuds/thorkified
Summary: After feeling sick for weeks, Loki finally finds out what's wrong with him. He knows exactly how it happened and the realization scares him more than anything else ever could. Their drunk night together was one thing, but the consequences of this night had not been part of the plan. This time he screwed up big and he doesn't know what to do now.





	Consequences

**Author's Note:**

> You can't take away the angst from me, you can't. But I tried to behave, so enjoy ;)

It's been weeks now that Loki felt sick, something that was getting harder and harder to hide. So far no one seemed to have noticed, but they would soon, there was no doubt about that. He didn't know what could be wrong with him, the healers couldn't figure it out when he had visited them two weeks ago, only told him he was physically healthy and yet his strength deteriorated more and more each day.

Loki already feared he would never know what was happening to him when he jerked awake one early morning, his skin covered in cold sweat and a scream stuck in his throat. The horror of what could be going on hit him so brutally while he had been asleep that it took a few minutes before he managed to calm down enough to think again.

“No… no this can't be, please no…” Loki jumped out of his bed, grabbing the first pieces of clothes he could find to get dressed and disappeared. He couldn’t go to the healers again, they would surely be able to give him a definite answer but they mustn't know. No one must know, that was clear.

Loki sneaked through the secret passages of the palace until he reached the portal to earth - he would not would leave Asgard under Heimdall’s eyes, risking that he was interrogated or worse, stopped. When he finally reached earth and made his way to his chosen destination, Loki's condition had worsened again to the point where he had to stop at a corner to catch his breath. He was dizzy and weak, something he wasn't used to and it came with a horrible feeling of helplessness that made him unreasonably angry.

It took much longer than he had expected, but after two hours he was finally back in Asgard, in his room and with an answer to his questions that made everything worse. He sat on the edge of his bed, staring at the little plastic thing in his shaking hands in complete disbelief. His eyes were stinging, but the tears didn't come. They would, but right now his shock was too intense, too fresh and brought the whole world with it when it crashed down.

Eventually the tears did fall and they broke Loki out of his paralyzed state. He covered his face with his hands, barely muffling the sobs that shook his whole body. This was the worst thing that could have happened and now that it did it scared him to the very core, so much that he couldn't stop the horrible and painful visions of his future flooding his mind. How, how in the nine realms could this have happened? And what was he supposed to do now?

“Mom…” Loki cried out to the only one he wanted to talk to, who might understand, but of course there was no answer. How could there be one, given his mother was long gone from his life? And yet, his mind didn't seem to bother. “Mom, I'm scared… I don't know what to do, please help me…”

The silence he got as an answer was like a knife in Loki's heart. He threw himself into the bed, now not only terrified, but  also lonely and heartbroken. It was pathetic, a childish behavior if there ever was one, and Loki knew that, even though he couldn't have cared less. Maybe it was pathetic, maybe he was weak, but he had never needed his mother more and now it was too late.

Hours passed before Loki finally left his room again. He had managed to collect himself enough to get up, even if every step made him feel nauseous and every breath made his heart ache. The cloak he had wrapped around himself didn't do much to disguise him of course, but it wasn’t necessary as he soon realized. The palace was almost empty and he was undisturbed on his way to his mother's chambers. When he slipped inside, he took a deep breath to brace himself.

Ever since the queen's passing this room had been kept the way it was. Every week a maid cleaned the dust off the surfaces and made the bed, but everything else was still the way she had left it years ago. Being here, after all this time, brought back so many memories that Loki could barely make it over to the bed before his knees gave in.

“Mother…” Loki sobbed again, this time more quiet and reverent. He sat there for a long while, his eyes closed and waiting, hoping against all hope, that he might hear her voice. But of course he didn't. Loki sighed in defeat, dropping his head. “I know I have no right to speak to you after the things I've said when I was imprisoned, but I didn't mean any of that. You were always my mother and I loved you like one… and now… now I need you more than ever before in my life…”

Alone in this room where he had been so often during his childhood and where time was frozen for all eternity, Loki realized that his selfish behavior was finally his downfall. Nothing else had led to this moment, nothing else had led to his mother's death and all this time he had tried to excuse his behavior by blaming others. But the blame was on him and it hurt to see it so clearly now.

“I screwed up big this time,” Loki sniffed, wiping his eyes to not stain the sheets beneath him with tears. “I can't do this again, not like this, it's impossible… I know you can't hear me but I would give everything to hear you tell me it will be alright…”

“My sweet, misguided son...” a faint voice reached Loki's ears, not more than a quiet whisper, but enough to make him spin around with relief and happiness. And there she was, as kind and loving as he remembered her, the same smile on her lips he had seen on her so often; that special one she only reserved for him. His mother.

Loki wanted to stand up, hug her and apologize for being an ignorant brat, but he couldn't move even his hands, so he was reduced to simply looking at her in wonder and pure love.

“Are you… really here?” Loki whispered with tears in his eyes, earning a bitter smile in return.

“You know the answer Loki, don't you?”

A sudden wave of sadness washed over Loki at his mother's words and he turned his head away. He knew it, it was too good to be true. Of course she wasn't real, she was just a fragment of his memory and in his desperate state of mind he had created an illusion wearing her face, nothing more.

“Loki, you're carrying too much in your heart, you cannot bear this alone.”

“I can't tell anyone, I just can't,” Loki said, shaking his head. “It's not like those other times, this is different.”

“Why is it different?” His mother's voice was nearer now and when Loki looked up she sat on the bed in front of him. “Tell me.”

“Because…” Loki couldn't say the words that darkened his heart, they hurt too much just silently existing already. So in the end, he said nothing.

“Loki, have I ever judged you during those times? Why do you think I would do it now?” Frigga asked, laying her hand on top of Loki's. There was no feeling to this touch, just a cold brush against his skin. “Why do you feel like you have to mourn? Isn't this something to feel joy about, rather than sadness?”

“Joy about what? That I'm carrying my brother’s child?” Loki shouted, fresh tears blurring his vision and anger clouding his mind. “How is this not a catastrophe, how?”

There was no answer and when Loki finally blinked away the tears he was alone in the room again, if he had ever not been. He dropped his shoulders with a sigh, feeling ten times worse than before. Even if it had just been his own mind bringing his mother back, the pain he felt was as intense as the last time she had disappeared. Loki covered his mouth with his hand to prevent himself from sobbing, but it was barely any help.

Now that he had said it out loud, everything felt so much more real. This was never supposed to happen, not with him. It had only been one night, one drunk, reckless night… how could everything go so wrong? Loki knew that this would destroy everything, not only the little bit of trust Thor had been putting in him after all this time, but also how he felt towards him. Thor would hate him, he knew it. He would be as disgusted with his so-called brother as he was himself and Loki wished he could just disappear like his mother’s illusion and stop feeling anything.

That night, after Loki had spent most of the day in his mother's chambers, crying over his own stupidity and selfishness, he walked the empty halls of the palace in darkness. Over the last hours a numbness had taken over him, one of those that drained the world of its colors and made every step feel like climbing a mountain. Loki didn't know how long he wandered around, but eventually he found himself on the rainbow bridge, gazing up at the starry night sky.

It was a place he often came to in the past when everything was too much, especially at night. The silence was almost overwhelming and the view unspeakably beautiful. Tonight, however, it didn't manage to make him feel better in any way.

“He will hate me when he finds out,” Loki whispered and wrapped his arms around his middle slowly. “I couldn't even blame him, who would ever want a monster like me to bear their child? I'm nothing but an abomination that has no place here to begin with.”

There was a brief moment when Loki just wanted to push himself forward, ending the nightmare of his existence once and for all. Would Thor even care? Surely the rest of Asgard would applaud his death, but would Thor join them? If he was dead he wouldn't have to ruin his brother’s life with the news of his unborn child at least, but the thought of that made his insides twist. He couldn't do that, he just couldn't.

Loki lowered his head, holding his stomach tighter and closing his eyes. He might be a monster, but he was anything but heartless. This child, no matter how it was conceived, was not to blame for his mistakes and he couldn't punish it for them by denying it its chance to live. Maybe he would simply leave Asgard, hide in Vanaheim or even Midgard, and Thor would never have to find out. Maybe he would take responsibility for something he did for the first time in his life.

Suddenly heavy steps ripped Loki out of his thoughts and he quickly sat up straight, rubbing his eyes dry while trying to make out who had found him here. If he would have had any joy left in him, Loki would have laughed when he saw who it was. Thor, of course.

“Here you are!” Thor said, visibly relieved and sat down next to his brother, who instinctively shoved himself away a little.

“Were you looking for me?” Loki asked, trying to give Thor a surprised, but neutral look.

“You've been acting strange for the past few weeks and I couldn't find you today,” Thor said quietly, looking up at the sky the way Loki had before. “I was worried you might be getting sick.”

“I'm alright, you don't have to worry,” Loki said and shook his head. He didn't look up, instead he stared at his hands. The urge to tell Thor the truth was overwhelming, but the fear of his brother’s reaction was too strong to break through it. For Thor this had all been fun and games, Loki was sure of that, how could his reaction not be painful and cold?

“I don't have to, but I do,” Thor eventually sighed, looking at his brother. “You're not yourself and I wonder why. Is something the matter?”

“No, I… I just don't feel well, that's all.” Loki wrapped his arms back around his stomach in a defensive manner again, still refusing to look at Thor. “Why don't you go out and drink with your friends or something? I'm fine, really.”

“So, you're pushing me away again without a reason?” Thor asked and Loki could hear that he was hurt by his words. “Why? Did I do something wrong?”

“You didn't do anything wrong,” Loki said and shook his head. “I just need to be alone, that's all.”

“If it's because of that night, I-”

“Thor, stop it!” Loki barked at his brother, silencing him mid-sentence. “I'm not a child anymore, okay? I don't need to be pampered and handled with care!”

“Loki, what are you talking about?” Thor was completely stunned by Loki's sudden anger.

“Why can't you just do what I ask of you and leave me be? Did you not get enough the last time? Do you need some fun and amusement again and thought I'd jump out of my clothes at your sight?”

“How can you say such a thing?” Thor's voice was quiet and sad and it made Loki feel disgusted by the way he was treating him. “Is this what you think happened? That I used you for my amusement?”

“What else was it for you then, tell me!” Loki wanted to stop yelling, wanted to stop being angry at his visibly hurt brother so badly it caused him physical pain, but he just couldn’t. It was like he had gone mad and couldn't  stop it. “What am I, if not a little toy for the god of thunder that he can use as he pleases?”

“Loki…” Thor reached out with his hand, cupping Loki's cheek. At the gentle and warm touch, Loki felt his anger melt away slowly. “I'm sorry if something I said or did hurt you, but please don't think I would ever see you like that.”

“You didn't hurt me,” Loki mumbled, leaning into Thor's touch a little. “I didn't mean to yell at you, I don't know what has gotten into me. Maybe I _am_ getting sick...”

“Then you shouldn't be out here,” Thor said with a smile, taking Loki by the hands and helping him on his feet. “Let’s get you to bed so you can rest.”

Loki was baffled by Thor's concern about his health and didn't even think about complaining when he was guided to his room. At the door, Thor leaned down and pressed a kiss on Loki's cheek before wishing him a good night's rest and leaving him alone. Confused and close to tears once again on this confusing and horrible day, Loki stood at his door for a long time; a hand on his cheek as if to keep the kiss there somehow and unable to move. When he finally managed to get to bed he didn't even bother to take off his clothes.

It was a short night, like all the others recently, and Loki was wide awake already when it was still dark outside. He laid there for almost an hour, trying to make sense of his feelings and the situation he had gotten himself into.

Hiding the truth from Thor felt more and more like betrayal in Loki's eyes. Didn't he have a right to know about what was really going on? After all, they were both responsible for it in a way, weren't they? He couldn't just leave without saying a word, that wasn't fair. Even if Thor would banish him from Asgard and hate him, he had a right to know.

Loki sneaked out of his room before sunrise, determined to face the consequences of his actions no matter the outcome. In front of Thor's room he hesitated to knock, doubt and guilt making him wonder if this was really a good idea or not. He would have left again and forget about his plans if it weren't for the sudden shuffling he heard behind the door, which finally made him summon all his courage to speak.

“Thor, are you awake?” Loki asked loud enough for his brother to hear, but not waking him up in case he wasn't. He was nervous as hell, especially when he got an answer.

“Loki? What are you doing here?”

Thor was about to open the door to let him in when Loki suddenly panicked and grabbed the handle to keep it shut.

“Wait, please…“ he said quickly, leaning his head against the door. “Just listen to me, okay? Please, I… I have to tell you something…”

“Are you alright?” Thor asked worried, but luckily stopped trying to open the door. “Did something happen?”

“That night… you know, when we were together…” Loki had to fight for every word, clawing at the door so hard his fingers hurt. “I swear I didn't know, it wasn't supposed to happen…”

“Did I hurt you? Is that what happened?” Thor's voice was closer now and somehow Loki knew his brother was mimicking his position. It made him smile sadly as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.

“You didn't hurt me… it's something else and it's okay if you hate me and never want to speak to me again, really. I didn't want this to happen, you must believe me, please…”

“Loki, for the love of Asgard, talk to me!” Thor's voice was desperate, something Loki had rarely hurt before and knowing how much worry he already brought into his brother was too much. He sunk to his knees, hands sliding from the door handle.

“I… I'm with child, Thor…”

There was dead silence after Loki's confession. He didn't think the absence of words could hurt so much, but it made him feel like his heart was bleeding. Cowering in front of his brother’s door he cried silently, waiting and hoping more than he thought he ever could that Thor would say something, anything.

Suddenly two arms wrapped around Loki's shaking, slumped body and he was pulled up into an embrace so tight and relieving that all he could do was lean into it and bury his face against Thor's broad chest. He was trembling like a leaf, crying against his brother's robes and clinging to him for his dear life.

“Loki, shh…” Thor whispered, an unfamiliar soft tone in his voice. He brushed over Loki's hair gently, his hand coming to rest on his neck. “Please don't cry, I would never hate you because of this, I mean it.”

“You should!” Loki cried, all the disgust and hate he felt towards himself blinding him. “I'm a monster, a freak! It's all my fault because I was selfish and dumb and-”

“Enough, Loki,” Thor said sternly, the sudden change of his voice actually shutting his brother up. “You won't blame yourself for this, do not even think about it.” He pushed Loki away enough to look him in the eyes that were still shimmering with tears.

“Aren't you mad at me?” Loki asked quietly, his voice cracking and shaking.

“Why should I be mad at you? Do you think I would deny my part in this?”

“You won't?”

“Of course not,” Thor said and pressed a kiss on Loki's forehead before carefully wiping the tears off his face. “How long do you know?”

“Since… since yesterday…” Loki admitted embarrassed, avoiding his brother's eyes. “I was too scared to say anything, I didn't know how, I'm sorry…”

“Stop apologizing,” Thor smiled and wrapped an arm around Loki to guide him into his room. There, he carefully sat him down on his bed and kneeled before him. He took one of Loki's hands while looking up. “I knew something wasn't right and I was worried about you, Loki. What happened between us was never just fun for me, please don't think that.”

“Wouldn't you rather have the company of all those women lusting after the mighty god that you are?” Loki asked sadly, but Thor shook his head.

“Why would I want any of them?” He asked, brushing this thumb over Loki's palm. “Tell me, why were you so worried about what I would say? Is it because you thought I would abandon you out of anger? Or is it because this night meant more to you than you admit?”

Loki felt his face heat up, but his position made it impossible to hide it. How could Thor know? And why would he ask such a thing?

“I enjoyed being with you greatly, brother,” Thor said before Loki had the chance to break out of his awkward silence. “This was not just a fun thing to do or something I did to brag about in front of my friends. I love you, Loki, don't you know that?”

“You… you love me?” Loki's eyes were wide and he could feel his heart beating mercilessly in his chest. “But… how? How can you love me after everything I did to you?”

“Because that's what I always did,” Thor smiled and laid his free hand over Loki's covering his belly. “You and that child you are carrying, I love you both and nothing can change that. Don't think I would ever turn on you, Loki. Please don't.”

Finally, after all those doubts and tears, Loki's lips turned into a smile of happiness. He took his brother’s hand on his belly into his own, pressing it closer.

“You are going to be a father,” Loki smirked, making Thor smiled in return. “How does that make you feel, you big ape?”

“As happy as nothing else ever could, you little fool,” Thor said and pulled Loki into a deep and tender kiss that made the last worries in his brother’s mind fade away into nothingness.


End file.
